The End Zone

I'm no good with football, so a terrific title - "The End Zone" is pretty much a wasted metaphor with me. But it sounded good at the time I thought of it. I can picture it... A quarterback gets the ball hiked to him; he tosses it to his teammate- who catches the ball and runs his butt as fast as he can down the field, past the crowed screaming from the stands, all the way down all of those yardlines, head down, arm outstretched to fend off opponents rushing at him from either side, legs churning, faster, faster, to the goal.... THE GOAL...THE GOAL... and then... Oops. There's a fence - right between the goal posts. He skids to a stop. He stands there dazed and confused, motionless; the ball still tucked under his arm. What does he do now? He can't get to the end zone! He's stuck! There is a sign hanging on the fence which says:

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No Admittance!

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This end is zoned residential.

Game over.

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*I wasn't at all surprised to see the results of the poll which asked: "What do you think a sex offender facility should be zoned as?" As I anticipated, the Pronexus answered D. Residential. No surprise. They would say that whether they knew the correct answer or not, just to be .... well... Pronexus. But the fact is, a "residential" sex offender facility just isn't the same as a residential zoning. And call it what you like, there is no way of getting around what it really is: A correctional treatment center for juvenile sex offenders.

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Remember that old show back in the seventies, the one that gave Tom Hanks his start on the road to stardom: Bossom Buddies? The story was about two guys who couldn't find an apartment. Needing a place to live, they pretended to be girls so they could get an affordable room in a boarding house for women only. To make their charade work, the guys had to dress up in stuffed bras and panties, girly sweaters and skirts, wearing wigs and make-up... They adopted girl's names, talked in high falsetto voices, struggled with high-heeled shoes, and faked their lives for all they were worth. Fooled a lot of people, those lovable tv transvestites did...

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But underneath all of the drag, they were just guys dressed up as girls. No amount of make-up could change who and what they really were. Just like nothing can disguise who and what the Nexus Mille Lacs Academy really is...

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The Mille Lacs "Academy" isn't a "home" for "children". It isn't a house with a mom and dad and 2.5 children with a labrador retriever and two cars in the garage. You can call it "Buffy", but that doesn't make it a house. It doesn't even make it Tom Hanks. I live in an area which is zoned SINGLE RESIDENTIAL. Granted, not everyone in my neighborhood has a labrador retriever, but we definitely fit the R1 zone. So Nexus bought some land down the street. That's fine. No problem. But there is no way they are going to be able to dress up and pretend to be something they're not- with their five massive institutional buildings, including a school and gymnasium - huge parking lots and paved roads, ball fields (with goal posts?). Nope. Ain't gonna happen. Not here. (I certainly hope they have a Plan B... )

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The Mille Lacs Academy is an institution licensed by the Department of Corrections where counties throughout Minnesota (and some out-of-state) send juvenile sex offenders who have been adjudicated through the court system after committing sexual crimes which have caused harm to someone, and have been found to be a risk to their own communities. You can dress them up anyway you like. (Some of the metrosexuals actually like this sort of thing.) You can call them Buffy or Fluffy or Puff... but it won't change who or what they really are. Perhaps the best name for them is: Spot. Spot.... See Spot. See Spot run. Run Spot, Run. All the way to - but not into - the End Zone.

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No Admittance.

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Residential. The End.