Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Cum One, Cum All.

Viewing the latest poll results, a soothing calm of absolute revelation spilled over me like thick green paint dripping down old wood beneath a heavily overloaded brush. I finally understood. Like a horse at a Clinton Anderson symposium, I licked and chewed. "Hey! I GET IT!" I've conducted several polls on the Bradbury Buzzz and of the handful daring enough to state their position, each time several crazy participants voted in favor of needing/wanting/must have more sex offenders in Onamia. Yes, I'm aware that these people are freakishly stupid. Why wish for more sex offenders in their already over-sex-offendered community? But these NEXUS/MLA Supporters are REALLY BENT on providing new ball fields, a new gymnasium, a new school.... only the best for our twisted toddler twiddlers. (Pay no never-mind to their felony convictions - we all make mistakes, after all.) Not only are these Pro-preverts prepared to make the People pay for their prized pud-pullers, they are actually willing to self-sacrifice - to "donate" through hiked-up taxes themselves in order to keep dangerous deviants in our community. Now that's dedication!

Showered with such realization, and in a moment of rather hysterical glee, I made a personal decision, knowing that The City of Onamia WILL grant tax abatement to that undeserving corporation, no matter how many citizens are opposed. They have their own agenda. They are unstoppable. Therefore........ If I can't beat 'em, why not join 'em? Maybe I'm the one being stupid - about not needing/wanting/must having to congregate with sex offenders. Maybe the nutty townsfolk are right. Maybe I'm just not kinky. (Personally, I've never felt the urge to molest anybody. And I was a teacher... Perhaps I need counseling.) Maybe I just haven't see the light... Maybe I've been a little selfish in trying to protect my simple way of life, dull as it might be. Now, I'm being GIVEN an opportunity to widen my horizons. I'm being GRANTED the PRIVILEGE of living with criminal Sex Offenders! A heck of a deal! Maybe EVERYONE in Onamia should have the same opportunity which has been so generously bestowed upon me. Let's spice up this quiet little podunk town. YES! If my "friends" across the Rum prefer sex offenders to non-sex offenders, I say: Okay! Count me in! I'm joining your team! Let's go for it! To quote their fuhrer- another freakishly stupid twit-wit: BRING 'EM ON!

The Internet is a wonderful thing. With online sex offender registries, I believe that I can collect enough hard-core Level 3 Sex Offenders to fill the town. Normal communities shun these poor, troubled convicts, preferring to protect their honest, hard-working good citizens instead. They won't allow sex offenders into their communities. Go figure! Fortunately, Onamia is BACKWARDS! Onamia shuns their citizens in favor of the criminals - (i.e. large corrupt corporations and the sex offenders they cater to.) Many poor, troubled inmates can't find a place to live after serving prison time for rape, sexual assault, child molestation, etc. They become outcast outmates just looking for love. You see, normally, nobody wants them. But here? Shucks! Wow-ee-oh-boy! When I spread the news about how Onamia needs/wants/must have more sex offenders, I guarantee a virtual PILGRIMAGE to our area. It should please the Do-gooders who just want to help make life better for the poor, troubled Sex Offenders.

I'm kind of looking forward to my new project. It will be fun. Like Online Shopping!

I'm not naive. Too often I've witnessed wrong beat right, evil triumph over good, and what should not happen happen... More than likely, NEXUS - the Evil Empire will overwhelm the wee folk and the innocent woodland creatures as they bulldoze their way across the border, ripping and tearing into our R1 zone, permanently scarring our beloved landscape with their ugly, gigantic Small Footprint. Maybe its time I too embraced an alternative lifestyle and joined in the ever-popular Pervert Parade. I don't want to be a loser.

I admit it: I'd been looking forward to hopefully restoring Peace and Order to Hyrule. I longed for the Common Decency of yesteryear. I wanted nothing more than to resume my retirement, disappearing once again into the ranks of the obscure and forgotten. I pined for the Good Old Days where I would perch by the peaceful pond, trying to block out the intrusive sounds of the nonstop BOOM BOOM BOOM of hunters' gunfire. Now we can all look forward to at least a couple of years of the constant BEEP BEEP BEEP of backing backhoes. And then the BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP of the boys' noise - forever.

And Dear Readers, I'm sure that you know by now that with Hannabelle on the OTHER side, you will be assured of acquiring a plethora of the most despicable Level 3 Sex Offenders available. Maybe even some famous ones! Life will be much more interesting after NEXUS build's it's new facility in MY neighborhood. Watch YOUR neighborhood grow too!

I know.... I know.... You still have doubts. But I figure Tit for Tat. You have done so much for me.... You promised me 94 sex offenders. You're saddling me with higher taxes to pay for them. You're lowering my property values PLUS making sure my farm is unsalable, so in essence - you're making sure that Hannabelle will never leave. I take that as a compliment - that you want to keep your Hannabelle... Thanks! You've already ruined my life. You've made sure that Hannabelle has nothing left to lose. AND you've done it all in such an incredibly short time. Kudos!

After all you have done, I think its only fair that I give back to my community. Don't you? Tits for tats, after all. (And you can sure expect LOTS OF TATS cumming to Onamia.)
So hurry up and build your sex offender institution. Let the fun begin.
Remember the old:
I scream
You scream
We all scream
for ice cream!
Hannabelle's version:
I scream
You scream
We all scream.
The End

No comments: